Order, Order!!
Order, order!!
We thought we would take a light hearted look at the
workings of the Law Courts. These were published by
court reporters. Imagine the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were taking place.
LAWYER: What was Ihe first thing your husband said to
you that moming?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does tl affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminaled?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
Whal school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had abeard
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going
with male.
LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WiTNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of
a fight.
LAWYER: Do you recali the time iIlat you examined
the body? .
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead althe time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
LAWYER: Are you qualified to give aurine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in ajar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have stili been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.
